I am a worrier – at Chikankata I have a lot to worry about! Whilst things are generally going well, there are a lot of things bubbling under the surface that are worrying. A lot of things I am trying to fix before they blow. When I worry, I don’t sleep. I have not slept well this week.

There are only one or two books that have had profound impact on me. Usually they are not complex books but ones that are honest and straightforward. Maybe it’s because of the timing rather than the book, but maybe it’s just about the quality of the book. Anyway, Rob Parson’s What they didn’t teach me in Sunday School is one such book. It helped me understand the concept of grace and salvation much better, as I was struggling with them both on an intellectual and personal level.

Right now I am reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell (maybe I should read more books by men called Rob), a Christmas present from my sister. I am learning a lot about myself as I read it and just how I am.

I am the Manager / Hospital Administrator and this is shaping the way I live my life. I am living a certain role and I am behaving in a particular way seemingly befitting of this role. I am responsible for the day to day running of a Hospital, Nursing School, Community and Research Programme, various Projects and a training centre. I am supervising around 250 staff working for Chikankata. There are positives of course - I am living in the biggest house at the Mission and I am driving a reliable pick-up car as a result.

I am also realistic enough to see that there are a lot of people with a lot more responsibilities and struggles that me and I am fortunate to have strong people such as the Visiting Chief Medical Officer and Territorial Commander (who are my direct line managers) to supervise me and who have overall responsibility for Chikankata.

I am though hanging on! I am tired! I am worrying a lot!

Now some honest thoughts – I feel like I am living more as “Manager” and less like RB and the person I want to be. Chikankata is moving in the right direction and the results are encouraging – yet I am not coping so well at the moment. So I work harder to sort things out. Despite my promises, I am once again working evenings, late at night and weekends. I am more for other people and I am not for me, my family and the Big Man. I honestly feel like I am not a good manager, friend, husband or Christian at the moment because I am trying to do too much and please too many people.

Here’s a paragraph that jumped out the page to me;

But I am not defined by what I am not. And understanding this truth is a huge part of becoming whole. I had to stop living reaction and start letting a vision for what lies ahead pull me forward.

I have kind of picked up this image of how I am supposed to be and act and work and play. It causes me to struggle and to worry a lot. And so now I am committing to try and take myself back out of this unhealthy existence and back to who I really am.

As my wife pointedly asked me this week – How come you are in this big role, held up as a leader in a strong and influential Christian institution (this week I did an interview for the Los Angeles Times and the Aberdeen Evening Express you know) and you can’t hand over your worries to God?

So at the moment I don’t feel like I am “smoking what I selling” but I am going to try and sort that, starting from now. Most of all I am going to start having a laugh again, I am going to start playing football again and I am going to take more time off. And I am going to really try to stop worrying (although I still haven’t quite figured out how or maybe I just have!).

P.S. It’s times like this where I really miss my friends (2 or 3 are fellow bloggers) and my family to talk to about these things – which is probably why I am writing about this.