Oh the Grand old Duke of York!

I seem to be living in a parallel world at the moment. On the one hand I am loving being a father and spending time with my wee boy. He's a lively fella and keeps us entertained and occupied already. It is 9am in the morning and I am already on my 3rd t-shirt (one poo, one vom!) Loving it! I am also very proud of Heidie who has basically recovered from a C-Section by General Anaethestic with only Paracetomel, as some of the other painkilling drugs are not available. We are very happy as a family. She's a star. She's my star!

On the other hand, I'm tired in my work. I'm tired of struggling. Tired of having no money and having to balance things around. Tired of bills and debt. Tired that things don't work smoothly. Tired that things are ten times as much effort here than back home. Tired of being 'on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Tired that people blame me when things are not right when their departments are not exactly perfect. Tired and frustrated because people are just too relaxed. Tired of inefficiency. Tired of corruption. Tired of not having running water in my house. Tired of feeling unsupported. Tired of electricity cuts. Tired of the politics within Chikankata and The Salvation Army. Tired of inequality and injustice across the world and the church. Tired that most people only show their true capabilities when its important and not on the everyday matters. Tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Just tired and lacking in a bit of motivation at the minute.

Yet I am acutely aware that the things I am tired of are the day in day realities for many of the people we serve and some. Yet for the most part the people here seem so content with their circumstances. (Although I also finding from some people who visit that it is often used as a rationalistion or excuse. A person's contentment with a situation of poverty does not make it ok - a debate for another time)

Trying to figure all this out and where I am going wrong I was reminded of three things I have previously written in my journal;

1) Intimacy with Christ must be first. Without it mission is empty and self-serving. It becomes a chore and grinds you down. I have learnt that you can love mission more than you can love Jesus. Without intimacy with Jesus we have nothing to give away to others.

2) Relationships, relationships, relationships. Listening to others. One of the fundamental principles of TSAs Integrate Mission concept is listening and transfer. By building relationships, by sharing, by just listening we release ourselves from the compulsion to do in order to take time to be.

3) When Jesus sent out the disciples (Luke ch 9) although the commission was about others, you could argue that the disciples themselves were the mission field when he sent them out. Maybe this experiences is not just about others, it's also about me, my journey and my faith. Tolstoy once wrote; "Everyone wants to change the world, nobody wants to change themselves.

I don't want to survive the last 6 or 7 month here, I want to live them. I want to make a difference but I also want to be different.